Note: Credit where credit is due. This short story was inspired by and elaborated upon this Instagram post: https://www.instagram.com/p/DdlOayPpTrm/
6 am: I wake up in a harem, covered head-to-toe in semen and vaginal fluids from a debauched night drug-fueled intercourse with men, women, and transvestites from all ethnicities. I don’t shower just yet, though. Instead, I go to the kitchen and make a cup of mushroom coffee with soy milk and eat a gluten-free muffin with acai berries while doom-scrolling Facebook and Instagram. During this time, I instigate arguments with no fewer than 37 conservatives who trigger my Trump Derangement Syndrome, so I go to the bathroom and cry on the floor while eating an entire bag of shredded cashew milk cheese. Then, and only then, do I finally shower.
But I’m not going to work. I’m an unemployed cis-gender soy-boy cuck, so my income is generated via welfare checks and disability.
For the next two hours, I browse reddit and gawk in jealousy over the alpha males who post in r/Trump and r/Conservative subs because my father beat me when I was a child and left me with no real direction in life. I then cry again and save my liberal tears in a jar to sell alongside aptly labeled coffee mugs for conservative shit-posting pleasures.
10 am: I’m finally ready to start my day, armed with my favorite ANTIFA shirt, fedora with anti-Trump pins, and a Quran, I leave to start my side gig. As I said, I’m not employed. No, I want to live off the social safety nets afforded by my socialist Democratic representation. Instead, I get into side hustles like a proper degenerate. You know, things like Grub Hub, Uber, and Instacart. I’m the guy who goes to the grocery store and picks out the worst looking vegetables or picks up your McDonald’s and eats half the fries before leaving a soggy burger on your doorstep.
Today, however, is a special day! Today is chauffeur service for the kiddies! I make three stops after picking up kids during their school lunch period. The first is a drag queen book reading at the local liberal bookstore. I have to make sure all your conservative children are properly observing drag queens to fill their heads with confusing thoughts. The next stop is the abortion clinic. Any pregnant teens in our group get a free abortion. All other children not receiving an abortion get free literature and are subjected to watching the procedure being performed on their classmates. Afterword, the abortion remains are used to Satanic rituals. The students are given a choice to whether they wish to be involved.
The final stop in our school-day journey is the local transition clinic where students are given copious amounts of literature on changing their sex in spite of their parents, as well as free HRT samples. Any child wishing to change their sex on the spot is taken to the back and magically gender-swapped without the normally required years of transitioning drugs and therapy. Yes, it happens right then and there. Free clothes of the opposite sex are afforded to newly transitioned children, and they’re free to go about their day scolding fellow classmates about how they’re using the wrong pronouns with them.
12 pm: I bus the kids back to their classes – I don’t have the proper licensure to drive a bus because fuck your imposed societal norms! – so they can be victimized by school bullies. I provide them with handguns and a liberal manifesto so they can rain destruction and socialist propaganda down on their classmates at the expense of the few bullies. That way their conservative parents can put more guns and guards in schools.
When I’ve finished ruining the lives of our youth, I go to my favorite coffee and anti-depressants bar where I stay for an hour or two to leech off the free Wi-Fi on my Apple MacBook Air while watching videos of trans women jerking off onto each other while they peg submissive beta male cucks with their huge, jealousy-inducing girl-cocks. When I am finally finished, I walk out with a raging erection, scratch my neckbeard, and tip my fedora at the barista before leaving them a $0.12 tip. I go outside an mainline Zoloft and Adderall, then head toward an ANTIFA safehouse where we fabricate pro-Palestine, pro-abortion, and pro-transition flyers to hand out to schools, churches, and retirement communities full of pearl-clutching old white ladies. We must strike fear into the Christian-heavy neighborhoods!
2 pm: Flyers in hand, my ANTIFA crew – who is subsidized by rich Democrats embedded deep in the U.S. government – and I make for a “No Kings” rally where we intend to block all incoming and outgoing traffic and pretend to get run over by drivers while being filmed by our friends who can’t hold their phone still, all in an attempt to pin violent crimes on conservatives just “trying to get to work.” We haven’t had a king in over 200 years and, by Satan, we won’t ever again if we protest hard enough!
After about 26 minutes, our out-of-shape asses are too tired to rally and shout at the top of our lungs, so we take an Adderall snack break to boost our energy, and then we proceed to go around in ski masks and terrorize ICE agents. We want to ensure all the illegals are able to stay in our country and take all the white peoples’ jobs, raid food banks, hoard welfare, rape white girls, murder little old white Christian ladies, and vote for Democrats in all upcoming elections. If red-blooded white Americans can do it, why can’t our Mexican and Muslim friends, too? DEI!
Eventually the ANTIFA activities devolve into each of us having copious amounts of unprotected sex while taking intravenous drugs, though I prefer to inject the drugs between my toes, so my parole officer doesn’t see the track marks. Did I say that I out loud?
3 pm: When the fornication fest is over, I head back to the school to pick up any stragglers who didn’t come with me the first time. We make our way to a local, liberally owned pizzeria where I take the unlucky children down to our secret pedo hideout and sacrifice them in the name of Satan. We drink their blood to keep our youthful, fedora-wearing, neckbearded appearance. Belly full of child blood, I’m free to go about my day, popping Zoloft and drinking gin fizzes while bowing and scraping to all the alpha males who work for a living. Then I make my way to the park for some performance pieces.
My troupe and I reenact the assassination of Charlie Kirk to an audience of housewives with their children, meth-heads, and like-minded liberals who think it’s fucking hilarious and groundbreaking. After our twentieth, or so, performance, we sit in a circle and read passages from the Communist Manifesto by Engles and Marx. We find it relaxing knowing that our country, if Democrats win the House and Senate in the coming mid-terms, will inexorably be thrown into Communist disarray.
5 pm: Finished with the park, I head to a hardware store, alone, to buy some brown spray paint. I spray myself down so that my skin is golden brown because I loathe my white heritage and privilege. Once I’m comfortable in my own skin, I go into non-hiring businesses and demand to be hired as a DEI employee. Don’t worry, it’s not racist because I have black friends, and those friends have been disenfranchised their entire lives as much as I am in the moments that each of these businesses tells me that they can’t or won’t hire me.
Distraught at my rejections for every job I applied to, I sullenly head to the gun store and buy as many assault rifles, shotguns, handguns, and ammunition the owners will let me walk out with and burn them all because I know that guns kill people, not people wielding them. Guns go off on their own all the time. It’s never the fault of an individual. Source: Trust me, bro. I’ve done my research!
7 pm: Content with my brand of social justice vigilantism, I head home by walking the street and spitting in the faces of every police officer I come across. I shout at them that they should be de-funded and that I want justice for George Floyd. I also exclaim that I hope Derek Chauvin gets fucked in the ass until he bleeds! Even though I know Chauvin got stabbed in prison and survived, I’m so soulless and cruel that I wish further harm upon him, loudly and in public. I want everyone to know my liberal depravity!
9 pm: When I finally get home, I log onto my dark web pedo page and upload photos of all the blood sacrifice victims from the pizzeria, then I just sit there and read all the shameful comments by rich liberal elites who come to my page in awe of my neckbeard. I thank Satan for the disappearance of the Epstein files and proceed to pile six Prozac and six Ambien. Then I invite over a few alpha male conservatives to pound my big tittied goth girl roommate while I sit in the corner and try to stay awake long enough to be called a beta soy-boy cuck. Then I do it all again tomorrow.
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