Unwelcome Dental Advice

Don’t get me wrong, I know what I’m doing with my life in the simplest capacity. I’m a writer. I’m an author. Those are things I’m “doing.” They don’t earn me much, but I’m doing them. Sometimes you create something that you just want to share with people. That’s what I’ve done with my books, and there will be more to come in the future, so if you enjoy the first book, you’ll be happy to know I’m not abandoning my post.

That said, last month I wrote about joining the intrepid men and women of the USPS. Turns out, though, that the postal service is a complete shit show. If you’re a former postal worker, you can likely attest to this. If you’re not, I’m going to give you the “quick and dirty” as to why there used to be a rash of shooters who “went postal.” That phrase has new meaning to me, and I totally get why someone would want to take up arms and blow some people away.

I digress. Those were outrageous and tragic instances that no one should joke about. That said, let’s explore the United States Postal Service, shall we?

The Postal Service is one of the oldest building blocks in American history. Even when going through my onboarding and training, the instructors went on and on about how we were meant to “protect the mail at all costs,” as if the Redcoats are suddenly going to start rifling through your piles of advertisements and city market magazines to glean information about the next attack on democracy. Sure, some mail is important. Anyone doing eBay sales can tell you how important it is that the Postal Service function under the best circumstances. But it never really does.

First off, the USPS has been running off a deficit since the 90s. Only in the 90s did they have a positive cash flow, which they burned all of to have automated mail systems put in place. These systems go through individual letters by the millions and sort them by route and in order of delivery. Sounds cool enough, and it works well enough. But maintaining said system and paying all their employees with money they make from stamp and delivery sales still leaves the USPS over-budget and unable to upgrade their mail vehicles.

You’ve seen them. The LLV (Long-Life Vehicle). The latest version of these on the streets was built in the 90s. Not a single one of them has air conditioning, so you can imagine how it was for me delivering mail for over 8 hours under the Albuquerque sun. These fucking things are atrocious to drive, have almost zero visibility because they’re built like an armored truck (you know, to protect the mail!), and have zero GPS. Let me rephrase that last bit. They have GPS in the form of Lo-Jack to figure out where the truck is and determine how long someone takes per stop or to see if you’re fucking off. They do not have GPS that you can use to deliver the mail.

No. Instead, you have a hand scanner that looks like a little phone. This is what you use to scan certified mail and packages. This, too, has GPS built into it for the supervisors to constantly monitor where you are and whether you’re delivering mail to the right place. It doubles as a method of clocking in and out during your shift. However, they have begun to micromanage the systems used to do this in the last decade. If you take too long during one scanned/clocked procedure, you can rest assured that your supervisor will breathe down your neck about it when you get back to the station. If you forget to scan/clock aspects, that, too results in admonishment from your supervisor.

The hand scanner can be used as a GPS system, but only per individual address. It does not help you with your route if you are unfamiliar with it. So, here I am, a new guy working an [evaluated] 8.8 hour mail route out in the sticks, and I have no idea where to even start. For the route I was given, I was allowed to shadow the guy whose route it is normally. I can either choose to try and remember the route or figure out a way to commit it to some form of paper/digital reference. That wasn’t as bad as the first time they had me cover someone else’s route who I did not shadow.

For that, they printed out what equated to a MapQuest listing, which gave turn-by-turn directions to the delivery areas. These MapQuest routes are at least a decade old and don’t account for any amount of construction that is currently happening or changes to neighborhoods that happened after the route was explored. So, you can imagine my frustration when a 6.35 hour route turned into an 8.5 hour stint. Following that excursion, I was tasked with helping another carrier take packages that they couldn’t handle, which added another 2.25 hours to my day. An almost 11 hour day during what should have been half that.

The following day, I did the 8.8 hour route on a heavy mail day, resulting in a 10.3 hour gig instead. It culminated in me drinking all my water reserve by the 6 hour mark and being nearly dehydrated on top of having to do a 400 package pickup request on one of the last stops. Mind you, that 400 packages (which equated to about 600 lbs) was all small stuff, but I still had to scan it all in when I picked it up, load it (by myself) into the truck, and offload it when I got back to the station.

You can see where this is going. I’m too old to be treated that way for the amount of pay they were offering. I quit after 1.5 month of being shit on day in and day out.

Thankfully, I received a call from Brookline College, a local medical college in ABQ and they offered me a position as an academic administrator/examinations proctor. This job gives me the freedom to make my own hours and occasionally work from home when there is training I need to do. It’s one of the easiest jobs in the world, yet lucrative enough to make me feel like I’m doing something important. It’s not where I thought I’d see myself in my 40s, but it’s something I’m enjoying and can take with me anywhere.

To anyone wishing to join the brave men and women of the USPS, please take my post as a warning to heed. It’s not as awesome as they may make it sound. You’ll be in for tough times and long days, and don’t expect anyone to help you unless you ask for it. And learn the area you’ll be delivering in, because it’ll definitely help you keep your hours to a minimum.