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[From the Archives] Crisis Averted in Montana!
In the near future… Washington DC – The celebration congratulating the new woefully underqualified Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was well under way. The tight-lipped Vice President Mike Pence, whose tie-breaking vote ushered in DeVos’s victory, gave his opening speech – at the request of Glorious, Magical, and All-Knowing Leader Trump – and called upon Continue reading
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Pomerania: A Short Story
Okay, so this week I’m doing something a little different. This is a short story I wrote for my wife, Meryl, after we lost our dog Zack. I’ve been writing several other short stories for something I hope to publish soon. This is a far different experience in writing than I’ve ever accomplished before. I Continue reading
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[From the Archives] Concern Hatches Over Hatchimal Toys
Little Jennifer Baumgardener, six year old daughter of Jaina Baumgardener of Kansas City, MO, awoke the day after Christmas to a sinister voice next to her bed. The voice whispered “Let’s murder your parents and wear their skin as suits…” Little Jennifer shrugged off the voice at first, but it insisted. “Come on! Stab your Continue reading
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[From the Archives] American Cargo Ship Hijacked, Pirates Claim it to be “Simple Misunderstanding.”
On Monday, April 6th, a US cargo ship, the Alabama Maersk, carrying 4100 metric tons of Corn-Soya blend, was hijacked by the notorious Pirates of the Caribbean. The Alabama, formerly the Alva Maersk, was making its way to Mombasa, Kenya, when out of nowhere the mythical Black Pearl, led by the once-dreaded undead Captain Barbosa, Continue reading
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Dear Diary
Dear diary, Seriously, who starts their diary entries with “dear diary?” I must be losing it. So much has happened in the last few years, and I’m starting to think there aren’t many of us left. I get this gnawing sensation in the back of my head to write something down for anyone who comes Continue reading
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Blah Blah Blah #2
In the same vein as the last post, I’m going to offer some unwelcome advice, and it’s going to start with an insult: You’re all terrible drivers. Now, that’s not to say that I think I’m the best driver. As someone who’s driven a “sports car” for much of their young adult life, I can Continue reading
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Uncommon Courtesy
Normally, I would start this by saying something about how I’m sure everyone missed me, but seeing as my numbers were pretty low to begin with, I’m 213% sure no one even noticed that I took a hiatus from June until now. That’s six months of zero entries when I was trying to make weekly Continue reading
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Six-Hour Traffic Jam Blamed on Temporary Amnesia
Ottawa, IL – A nearly six hour traffic jam that stopped up ten major intersections yesterday has been blamed on the common occurrence of temporary driver’s amnesia. Temporary driver’s amnesia, often referred to as TDA, is when a driver at the head of traffic stops at a red light and, through the magical boredom that Continue reading
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Nerd Community Mourns the Loss of One of Their Own. Sort of.
The local roleplaying community suffered a tragic loss (sort of) this week, when forever-virgin Jeffrey Dunham was whisked away to, and subsequently killed in, another dimension. Dunham was a well-known, heavily picked-on uber-dork who ran the “Roleplayers Gone Wild” website, where sweaty, basement-dwelling neckbeards gather to gawk at chubby nerd girls who show off their Continue reading
About Me
Armed Forces Veteran. Writer. Father of several demon-child rescue animals. Milwaukee Brewers fan. Loather of the human condition.
I was born and raised in the wintry lands of Wisconsin (Milwaukee, West Bend, Oconomowoc), but spent 15 years in the service of the United States Air Force, deploying and living in many other regions of the country and world.
The first time someone told me I was a “hell of a writer” was when I was a young Senior Airman in the Air Force and got in trouble for writing a blog on MySpace about the “miserable people of the ### Squadron. I wrote it like a late night infomercial with testimonials that ranged from hilarious to disgusting. I was very nearly demoted for the work and forced to remove it from the site.
After that, I started writing satire news articles like one might find on The Onion. I typed them out and distributed them to coworkers like a weekly newsletter. Some of those articles are posted here.
Eventually, I moved from satire to Science Fiction and Fantasy, and have written four [as of yet unpublished] books in what I hope to be a long-standing series inspired heavily by Stephen King’s “The Dark Tower” saga.
I currently live in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Unwelcome Dental Advice 