Unwelcome Dental Advice

With Disney’s acquisition of 21^st Century Fox having been completed in March of 2019, many fans of popular movies in the Alien franchise have wondered what the future of their favorite xenomorphs holds. The most recent Alien movie to hit theaters was Covenant in 2017. It was the last movie to feature an actual alien since 2007, in the Alien Vs Predator: Requiem film that left fans clamoring for more “aliens versus stuff” movies. Many fans of the franchise worry that Disney’s acquisition of Fox will result in their favorite movie series being “kid-i-fied” by being turned into a cartoon, or the alien queen becoming a Disney princess.

But the wheels of industry keep on turning, and leaks have sprung in Disney’s impenetrable idea vault. According to an inside source with the Acquired Networks Division, a new Alien film is currently in the works, and it will not be a cartoon like so many recent Disney shows have become! Instead, Disney has decided to stick to the tried-and-true formula of the films not overseen by Ridley Scott: a true Aliens Versus Predator, otherwise known as AvP, sequel! With Disney money behind it, and a few surprising actors at the forefront, fans are certain to be pleased with the plot leaked from the Mouse’s HQ.

Enter: AvPvTvRvRvR. Aliens Vs Predator Vs Terminator Vs Robocop Vs Rancor Vs Riddick!

The movie takes place in a galaxy far, far away. The planet: Dathomir. It is on this world that the predators release several drop ships with xenomorph eggs in them. The eggs infect a nearby human colony that has been fighting for its very survival against sentient machines bent on human annihilation. Problems for the humans only get worse when they discover they’ve colonized the home planet of the mighty rancors, as seen in Jabba the Hutt’s palace from Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. Among the humans, the erstwhile anti-hero Riddick will once again be “the good evil” that probably saves the day.

The leaks confirm that Disney is sparing no expense and have netted some real brand name talent to head this film. At the helm, acting as director, will be estranged former Disney animator Tim Burton. True to his style, the film will be a mix of live action and stop-motion Claymation, a la Beetlejuice and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Moviegoers can expect all the quirky Burtonesque flair, including dark landscapes, a playful sense of macabre, and gothic-heavy design elements. There is also a rumor that the film will include a brief song and dance routine at intermission, showcasing the aliens, predators, and rancors dancing circles around Robocop (who will be played by the Tim Burton mainstay, Jonny Depp) while the terminators don top hats and sing to a thrilling song written by Danny Elfman.

The last major surprise found in the leaked content is the introduction of the first ever female predator, rumored to be played by Helena Bonham Carter. Carter was a natural choice for the role as her head is two thirds larger than that of an ordinary woman, making her a candidate that doesn’t require four extra hours in makeup. Returning to reprise his role as Riddick, the villain-you-always-want-to-cheer-for, is Vin Diesel. Diesel, who can reportedly divide by 0, was more than happy to be cast in a movie where he has to memorize more than “I am Groot” for every line.

The movie is slated to be released next summer as a box office competitor to Michael Bay’s next Transformers film, Transformers VII: Rise of the Go-Bots.