Unwelcome Dental Advice

Normally, I would start this by saying something about how I’m sure everyone missed me, but seeing as my numbers were pretty low to begin with, I’m 213% sure no one even noticed that I took a hiatus from June until now. That’s six months of zero entries when I was trying to make weekly blogs. I won’t make excuses for the few of you that do read, just know that sometimes life throws you a curveball and you swing and miss. That said, I wanted to shift gears a little bit in my posting.

The title of my page is Unwelcome Dental Advice. It’s meant to evoke that feeling within you when someone gives you advice that you could either graciously accept or throw out the window. That’s what I wanted to post a lot of on here, but at first, I wanted to just get a few other pieces to showcase what I normally write and put it somewhere on the internet for people to read.

This week, I’m going to offer advice. I’m giving a lecture in something I’ve coined “Uncommon Courtesy.” Most of you know what common courtesy is, though I’m afraid that most of you don’t know how to fucking use it. Uncommon courtesy is that little extra step you can take to make someone else’s life just a little easier. I know, it may come as a shock to some of you, but you’re not the only swinging dick on the planet. There are other people out there, just like you and me, who might be trying to do the exact same things you and I are doing (like going to work, driving to the store to pick up some milk/eggs/anal nitrate, or dropping their dog off at the vet), and you’re the asshole preventing them from doing it in a reasonably expeditious manner.

Uncommon courtesy is predicated on the fact that we all have situational awareness. For me, I know this to be true. I won’t claim to be “the most aware,” because sometimes I still step on my dog’s foot. Though, if it’s Nola, that fucking idiot deserved it for being my shadow anyway. For the rest of you, I know this is not a factual statement. It’s also predicated on the concept that I treat people in a way that I wish to be treated. Again, I know this to be true of myself, but for the rest of you simians, I can’t say the same.

Those two concepts laid bare, what exactly is uncommon courtesy?

Picture this: you’re driving to a big interview, and you didn’t get out the door in time because you couldn’t figure out how to tie a double Windsor knot and were too lazy to look it up on YouTube. Now you’re running late and there are tons of people on the road because maybe it’s lunch time. So, you’re driving along, stuck in traffic, and as you approach the light at the intersection you intend to turn right at, someone darts in front of you who is going straight and stops so you can’t go.

Don’t you wish, more than anything, that the asshole that just had to be at the front of the lane would die of a sudden heart attack, but only after they safely made it through the intersection when the light turned green and you could go on about your day, making the interview on time?  If that dickweasel had even an ounce of uncommon courtesy, this whole situation could have been avoided. Now, put yourself in the shoes of said assface. Do you dart out to be the person at the front of the line, because for some reason, that’s super important? Or do you get out of the shared right turn lane and make someone’s day?

The ability to be uncommonly courteous is all around us, and you’ve been taking it for granted. The scenario with the right turn is the easiest one you can do. All you need to do is think for a hot fucking second that you’re not the only person in the world driving, and then get out of the way so that you don’t potentially block people that have better things to do than sit behind you and fume about what an asshole you are. The worst case for this is when you’re going straight at an intersection that connects to an interstate on-ramp. If you block this, I will go out of my way to mentally ruin your life.

There are other great scenarios to consider.

The grocery store is prime time for uncommon courtesy. Aisles at the store are usually pretty narrow, barely wide enough to fit side-by-side carts through. So, if you’re one of those vaginal discharges that parks their cart in the middle of the aisle and inspects the food labels of every item, know that you’re dead to me. All it takes is the tiniest amount of effort to move your fucking cart to the edge so that people can pass by you instead of seeing you blocking the entire aisle and they instead decide to simply skip the aisle you’re aimlessly standing it and hope that you’re not still there Googling the difference between sucrose and sucralose by the time they get back.

On that same note, if you’re inspecting each label for ingredients because you’re on a strict diet or don’t want certain chemicals in your body, do your fucking homework BEFORE going to the goddamn store. You’re blocking the fucking provolone cheese, you thoughtless twat waffle. If you didn’t know that hot dogs contained high amounts of nitrates, then you probably deserve to die in a sea of hot dogs. The use of uncommon courtesy here is simple: Have a goddamn plan when you go to the store. Know what you’re there for, know what to avoid, and don’t waste time lording over the fucking produce. If you can’t tell whether an orange is good with a simple glance over and single touch, then you should probably have someone else do your shopping for you.

It’s not difficult to make someone else’s life a little easier. If you’re at the store and you’re kind of blocking the way, use your fucking peripheral vision to see that someone is coming and get out of the fucking way. If you’re on the road and you are about to be stopped at a light, get out of the lane that is meant for people to be turning right. If you’re driving along in the right lane and see someone coming out of their neighborhood and turning right, get out of the right lane so they can safely get on the road. If you’re at the airport, waiting at a terminal, and sitting in a row of seats, maybe don’t put your bag in one or two of the seats, preventing anyone else from being able to sit down.

The next time you’re out and about, doing whatever it is you do – and I know that it’s going to the sex store to buy a cock pump – maybe take a glance around you. Is what you’re about to do going to affect anyone negatively? Is bending down to pick up Busy Beauties 15: Revenge of the Tits going to block a person from getting down the aisle to reach the dildos shaped like gnarled wizard fingers? Maybe wait until they pass before showing them your plumber’s crack. Do you really need to check that text message during a red light from your professor claiming that you’ll only get an A in their course if you perform fellatio on their dog? Or will reading it potentially take long enough for the light to turn green again and now you’re going to get honked at by a guy in an F350 with truck nuts on under his tow hitch?

Uncommon courtesy is simple: you just have to be aware of your surroundings, know that you’re not the only person trying to get on with their lives, and act in a manner that produces results that you would like to see from everyone else. The rest is up to others and hoping they’re not a serial murderer who looks out for idiots that block the aisles at Kroger’s, hoping to find that one jug of milk that doesn’t expire until the fifth of next month.