Charleston, SC – Tragedy struck earlier this week, on what most residents of the coastal town of Charleston thought was an ordinary night. What began as an innocent college mixer turned into a bloodbath and destruction spree for the ages as the Kool-Aid Man, a commercial icon made popular in the 80s, went what witness call a “totally uncalled for fit of carnage.”
“It all started when Ricky spiked the Kool-Aid Man’s punch,” recalls Omega Psi Phi pledge James McGill. “Ricky dumped 18 $9 bottles of Canadian Mist whiskey right into his uncovered head. Shit just went sideways after that.”
Ricky Graves, a veterinary student whose focus is in expressing dogs’ anal glands with his tongue, couldn’t be reached for a comment.
Witnesses state that after the Kool-Aid Man had been spiked, he grew angry and uncontrollable. After being rejected by Becky Hamilton, an accounting major, classmates say the Kool-Aid Man “whipped out his cock and began to furiously ejaculate fruit punch” all over the poor undergrad, and others in attendance. After spreading his seed, he burst through the west wall in traditional fashion, shouting, “Oh, yeah!” and “I got some Kool-AIDS for you!” Seventeen students have been diagnosed with ocular chlamydia after their interaction with the Kool-Aid Man.
Shortly after making his crashing exit, the Kool-Aid Man was spotted streaking down 5th Street, smashing everything in his path. Homes, cars, and children’s playgrounds were not safe from the iconic pitcher’s mayhem. The Emanual AME Church, at the intersection of 5th and St. Andrew, was left in ruin as the rage-filled soft drink barreled through every load-bearing section. Five volunteers and Father Grisham were left mortally wounded in the wake of this destruction.
The next stop in his crusade of carnage led the Kool-Aid Man to the Taco Bell on St. Andrews, where he burst into the kitchen and demanded 52 chalupas and a single crunch-wrap supreme.
“We simply didn’t have those numbers of chalupa shells,” recounts Amber Snerd, the night shift manager. “We told him we were down to our last 11 from the dinner rush, but that oversized pitcher was having none of it! He reached into the top of his head and produced an ice cube bigger than a basketball and began to club my employees in the head with it! There was so much blood!”
The drive-thru employees, cashiers at the front, and two taco makers were bludgeoned to death with the ice cube, which had since melted when police arrived. But the entire ordeal was captured on grainy CCTV, and clearly showed the alcoholic fruit drink smashing employees with the offending ice cube and spouting racial expletives at customers. Or it could have been someone else dressed in a giant pitcher of liquid stuffing burritos filled with sawdust down his gullet.
Drunk on cheap whiskey and engorged on Taco Bell, the Kool-Aid Man made his final stand outside of St. Andrews Middle School at 8:13 AM. With the police in tow, the giant pitcher burst into the main lobby and through a school bus containing 22 special needs students and a single bus driver named Spencer Radley, whose hobbies included collecting stamps and making woven dolls out of pubic hair. Police arrived on the scene shortly after, accompanied by the Army National Guard. It took an entire battalion of hardened weekend warriors and two SWAT units to subdue the giant soft drink.
Said the Kool-Aid Man as he was being read his rights, “Oh, no!”
As of publishing, the Kool-Aid Man faces life in prison without possibility of parole for the slaughter of 62 people and destruction of property in amounts still being tallied.
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