Fake News
-
Dear Leader to Meet with Presidents of Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, and Virgin Islands
In a move to prevent future American football half-time shows from having to endure Spanish-speaking performers, Leader Trump has taken to the skies to make a four-stop trip and meet with leaders of several territories. “I think the presidents of these countries – and I know about presidents. No one knows more about presidents than Continue reading
-
Entire Signal Chat Group Stricken With Sudden Dementia
Last week, it came to light that “war plans” were shared between high-level Executive Branch members in a Signal app chat while Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic newspaper were present. Among the members present in this unsecured chat space were, but not limited to, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, the Secretary of Defense, Pete Continue reading
-
Early Picks for Dear Leader’s Cabinet Leave Public Scratching Heads
With the 2024 election cycle drawing to a close, the American people have chosen the bankrupt convict to be their president for the next four years, marking an unprecedented turn-around for conservative voters. Already, Dear Leader Trump has begun showcasing his choices for some of the presidential cabinet picks and other appointed seats of office, Continue reading
-
Controversy Surrounds New Ethnic Barbie Line
El Segundo, CA – Outraged parents stormed the headquarters of the big-name toy company, Mattel, after the introduction of the new “ethnic” line of Barbie dolls. The new toys, which introduced nine different counterparts to Barbie after the popularity of the Barbie movie, hail from different parts of the world, and were released last week Continue reading
-
[From the Archives] Disgruntled Piñata Maker Imprisoned
Carlos Santiago, 25, of West Bend, Wisconsin, was arrested this morning for several counts of “criminally stuffed piñatas” that were shipped out late last month. Santiago, now a former employee of Pico and Sons’ Piñatas, was reported to have stuffed several of the festive toys with what police deem “inappropriate materials.” Jennifer Madigan, mother to Continue reading
-
[From the Archives] Crisis Averted in Montana!
In the near future… Washington DC – The celebration congratulating the new woefully underqualified Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was well under way. The tight-lipped Vice President Mike Pence, whose tie-breaking vote ushered in DeVos’s victory, gave his opening speech – at the request of Glorious, Magical, and All-Knowing Leader Trump – and called upon Continue reading
-
[From the Archives] Concern Hatches Over Hatchimal Toys
Little Jennifer Baumgardener, six year old daughter of Jaina Baumgardener of Kansas City, MO, awoke the day after Christmas to a sinister voice next to her bed. The voice whispered “Let’s murder your parents and wear their skin as suits…” Little Jennifer shrugged off the voice at first, but it insisted. “Come on! Stab your Continue reading
-
[From the Archives] American Cargo Ship Hijacked, Pirates Claim it to be “Simple Misunderstanding.”
On Monday, April 6th, a US cargo ship, the Alabama Maersk, carrying 4100 metric tons of Corn-Soya blend, was hijacked by the notorious Pirates of the Caribbean. The Alabama, formerly the Alva Maersk, was making its way to Mombasa, Kenya, when out of nowhere the mythical Black Pearl, led by the once-dreaded undead Captain Barbosa, Continue reading
-
Six-Hour Traffic Jam Blamed on Temporary Amnesia
Ottawa, IL – A nearly six hour traffic jam that stopped up ten major intersections yesterday has been blamed on the common occurrence of temporary driver’s amnesia. Temporary driver’s amnesia, often referred to as TDA, is when a driver at the head of traffic stops at a red light and, through the magical boredom that Continue reading
-
Nerd Community Mourns the Loss of One of Their Own. Sort of.
The local roleplaying community suffered a tragic loss (sort of) this week, when forever-virgin Jeffrey Dunham was whisked away to, and subsequently killed in, another dimension. Dunham was a well-known, heavily picked-on uber-dork who ran the “Roleplayers Gone Wild” website, where sweaty, basement-dwelling neckbeards gather to gawk at chubby nerd girls who show off their Continue reading
About Me
Armed Forces Veteran. Writer. Father of five demon-child rescue animals. Milwaukee Brewers fan. Loather of the human condition.
Unwelcome Dental Advice 