Unwelcome Dental Advice

Last week, it came to light that “war plans” were shared between high-level Executive Branch members in a Signal app chat while Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic newspaper were present. Among the members present in this unsecured chat space were, but not limited to, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, the Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, John Ratcliffe (Director of the CIA), and the Director of National Intelligence – or lack thereof – Tulsi Gabbard. Others, such as Vice President, and resident couch fornicator, J.D. Vance and the White House Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, were also included on the chat.

When pressed about why the editor-in-chief at a mainstream media source was allowed to view sensitive material about armed forces strikes on Houthi terrorist cells in Yemen, the Vice President replied, “We thought it was Murray Goldberg, from The Goldbergs television show, and that someone merely put the actor’s name, Jeff [Garlin], in place of it. We thought it was a joke.” We asked actor Jeff Garlin if he was invited to the Signal chat and he replied that he had been, but he declined the invitation.

Hearings have been held all week, and while some of the members of the chat were unable to attend, others have been brought forth into a special inquest to get to the bottom of the ordeal. It has been confirmed that Mike Waltz was the individual who invited both Jeffrey Goldberg and actor Jeff Garlin to the chat, but when asked about his involvement in the chat, he replied with this:

“I, uh… I don’t really remember a whole lot of what went on in the chat. I don’t think ‘war plans’ were discussed per se. I will admit, however, that I was a little busy.”

To which Jon Ossoff asked, “doing what?”

An embarrassed Waltz finally admitted, “Okay, okay. I was naked on my toilet, watching trans porn. I could only reply with emojis because my other hand was… busy. All I put was a series of fist bumps, American flags, and fire emojis. I don’t even know what they mean.”

John Ratcliffe was also grilled by Ossoff and others. Sitting next to Tulsi Gabbard and making a face that could only be described as having held a fart for too long, Ratcliffe exclaimed that he knew little of what was said over the chat and the he and the Vice President were in a separate chat room laughing at Elon Musk who had been wearing his black MAGA hat with safari flaps in the back.

J.D. Vance, in a separate interview, confirmed Ratcliffe’s complicit fun-poking at puppet-president-wannabe, Elmo Munk, sharing pictures of their private Signal chat, which was just back-and-forth between the Vice President and the Director of the CIA calling Musk a “fucking idiot,” and exclaiming that Dear Leader informed Elmo to “take off that fucking hat already. I hate that fucking hat. Wear a red hat like everyone else, or I’ll tell Papa Putin to cut your funding.”

When Tulsi Gabbard was asked the same questions, she, too, feigned ignorance, claiming to have no memory of the things that were said, despite having a printed copy in front of her to jog her memory. Said Gabbard, “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember. I was too busy daydreaming about murdering hundreds of Dalmatians for this new coat I’m making.”

It is expected that no one will be held accountable for the actions of those involved in this national security and intelligence nightmare. Meanwhile, Vance and Ratcliffe are still texting one another about Elon’s stupid fucking hat.