Unwelcome Dental Advice

With the 2024 election cycle drawing to a close, the American people have chosen the bankrupt convict to be their president for the next four years, marking an unprecedented turn-around for conservative voters. Already, Dear Leader Trump has begun showcasing his choices for some of the presidential cabinet picks and other appointed seats of office, starting with what republicans will be calling the DOGE, or Department of Government Efficiency, and totally not named after the cryptocurrency that the chairman of that department, Elon Musk, helped to create. Alongside Musk in this department will be Vivek Ramaswamy, another American entrepreneur with no experience in any political office. Together, they’ve vowed to trim the fat from government offices by making cuts to mainstay programs like the Department of Education and veteran health benefits.

As the days move slowly toward January 20^th, Dear Leader continues to announce new picks for his stacked deck of government destroyers. Earlier in the week, Dear Leader chose Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to be the head of Health and Human Services, alongside Doctor Mantis Toboggan. Together, the brainworm addled Kennedy and Toboggan are expected to gut the Food and Drug Administration and put raw milk back on the shelves so people can experience foodborne illnesses like they never have before. Listeria, E. Coli, and Salmonella are expected to be on the rise shortly after, which will surely keep the population in line.

In another shocking pick, Dear Leader has expressed his interest in Matt Gaetz to be the Attorney General, cementing the fact that crime does, in fact, pay. Gaetz has been under investigation for soliciting sex with a minor, but it’s an investigation that can easily be cut off by a president who has several of the same cases against him. Some believe the selection of Gaetz to be a diversion, a distraction to make people look the other way while Trump pulls some other hoax. Others believe the selection to reflect that he wants to surround himself with other MAPs, or “minor attracted persons.”

Some of Dear Leader’s better picks for cabinet positions shocked pundits. Just this afternoon, it was announced the Autobot leader Optimus Prime is expected to be chosen for the position of Secretary of Defense. With his legion of Autobots, Optimus is prime candidate to help enact policy for defense as well as appropriately shoring up our military, keeping the U.S. at the forefront of military might. The other positive choice in Trump’s cabinet was Kevin McCallister to the position of Secretary of Homeland Security. McCallister was an obvious choice after singlehandedly preventing two home invasions before reaching puberty. Trump also helped McCallister escape a hotel lobby when he had accidentally flown to New York during a Christmas trip in the early 90s, strengthening their friendship at an early age.

Even though Dear Leader Trump has promised to gut the Department of Education, he was excited to state that while said removal of the office is being conducted, Lauren Boebert would be the interim Secretary of Education until then. Boebert, a House Rep from Colorado, was the obvious choice since the Republicans thrive on undereducated voters to be elected. Boebert, who was recently in scandal for giving a date a handjob during a live performance of Beetlejuice, never graduated high school, took multiple tries to obtain her G.E.D. (or “good enough diploma”), and never bothered going to college so she could pursue her career as a call girl before being elected to the House of Representatives in 2021.

While other cabinet positions are still up in the air, Trump has made some of his possible candidates known. So far, it has been suggested that Commander Waterford from Gilead will be the Secretary of State, Janice – who is always pregnant and late for work – from accounting will be the head of the Department of Labor, and his choice for the Department of Agriculture will be Old MacDonald, with an oink oink here and a moo moo there.  The final choice that has been hinted was Emperor Sheev Palpatine to head up the Department of Energy, as he can conjure lightning from his fingertips.