Unwelcome Dental Advice

El Segundo, CA – Outraged parents stormed the headquarters of the big-name toy company, Mattel, after the introduction of the new “ethnic” line of Barbie dolls. The new toys, which introduced nine different counterparts to Barbie after the popularity of the Barbie movie, hail from different parts of the world, and were released last week in an attempt to steer away from its typically Caucasian audience. However, consumers who bought the new toys were unhappy with the racial stereotypes each of the new dolls presented.

Babara Millicent Roberts, or “Barbie” for short, was created by Ruth Handler in 1939, a single white mother who wanted nothing more than to entertain her eight-year-old daughter to the ideas of womanhood. She later sold the rights to the doll to Mattel and the rest was history. However, over the years, the doll has been met with both praise on controversy. Most of the hate has been geared towards Barbie’s unrealistic measurements, a meager 5’ 9” with a banging 36-18-33 bust-hips-waist combination. In recent years, Mattel actually widened Barbie’s waistline to appease mothers of larger girls who might hold too high of expectations in themselves. Barbie’s waist was increased from 18” to 20” in lieu of this.

Still, some complaints Mattel received were that their ethnically impaired children didn’t have a doll to match their race. As a response, Mattel produced several ethnicity-friendly dolls such as Theresa, the Hispanic friend, and Christie, the hairy Italian. Mattel even did a promotion with big-name food company Nabisco to release the “Oreo Fun Barbie,” an African American doll with a jean jacket and long, straight hair. Outraged black parents claimed the doll was Mattel’s way of saying they all wanted to be “brown on the outside, but white on the inside.”

After pulling the Oreo Fun Barbie from the shelves, Mattel went back to what they knew with the standard Barbie line for decades, but with the popularity of the recent movie, starring beloved actress Margot Robbie and pretty-boy Ryan Gosling, they’ve doubled down on the ethnic line to release new dolls with gender appropriate genitals, much to the dismay of proud white Americans the country over.

Much of the backlash was made against the new African American Barbie and Ken dolls, specifically against Shaniqua, the black Barbie accompanied by a stick of taffy, a packet of “purple” Kool-Aid, and a stellar booty (with real twerking action) that would send the Pope back to the confessional. Shaniqua is accompanied by LeBron, the black Ken doll whose trouser snake was sure to make even the most devout white Christian turn cuckhold. White Americans didn’t stop at being enraged by the black dolls.

The Irish doll, Sinead, with met with staunch negativity for being packaged together with her abusive husband, Patrick. Patrick wears a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt while holding an already two-down six-pack of Guinness by the plastic rings. Sinead wears a tattered dress and rocks a black eye and makeup dripping down her face from crying. Meanwhile, predominantly German areas of the U.S. were uproarious about their representation in the German dolls, Emma and Jonas. Emma wears a German beerhall maid’s outfit, which comes in three colors (Red, Blue, or Yellow) and wields six pints of German lager in one hand and a platter of schnitzel and spaetzle in the other. Jonas comes in lederhosen and suspenders while wearing a tiny hat. He’s permanently seated at an included table which his beergut rests atop. In his hand is a half-eaten knockwurst.

The outrage didn’t stop at white Americans. Chinese Americans were upset with their representation in the female Jia doll. Their doll received a major downgrade in breast size and the addition of a sideways vagina. Jia also comes with twenty pounds of denim, a sewing needle, thread, and instructions to make 100 pairs of stonewash jeans. Counter to that, the Filipino doll, Devina, received egregiously large breasts and a penis, making her the first transexual Barbie. Devina comes with her own laptop computer, video cameras, and a Chaturbate account. The Chaturbate account shows 700 white churchgoing viewers on the other end.

By far the most enraged contingent among Barbie purchasers, however, is the Latino community. The Vanessa and Enrique Mexican dolls come with their own entire playset which includes a Trump border wall, a river full of razorwire, and a fully loaded border patrol team with real firing action on their assault rifles. Both Vanessa and Enrique come with “battle damage” of cuts and scrapes, as well as handcuffs for when they inevitably get caught by border patrol. To make matters worse, a second playset was sold separately by Mattel, and it included a Florida citrus farm for Vanessa and Enrique to pick oranges from should they make it across the border without being caught.

Incidentally, the Latino sets were the only ones right-leaning white Americans held no issue with.

The dolls have been slated to be removed from shelves within the week.