Unwelcome Dental Advice

Have you ever just been sitting around, minding your own business – maybe you’re reading the news, watching a television show, or picking your nose – and you suddenly have the weirdest thought come through your brain? These are usually what Reddit refers to as “shower thoughts.” You know the ones: a fleeting moment of absolute brilliance in a world full of quandaries. Perhaps you were wondering why a bar of soap is the only substance on Earth that it’s widely considered “acceptable” to rub all over your filthy asshole, then immediately after, do the same to your face.

Or maybe you wonder why you can strand a baby in the middle of Lake Eerie with a nautical map to shore and a military grade GPS device, but it will die, afloat on the Great Lake, of starvation and dehydration. Are they stupid? Can they seriously not read a map or figure out which way is north, even with the aid of high-grade GPS?

I have these thoughts all the time, but often, mine are a little weirder than those listed above. I used to be part of a social media group called Suicide Girls, and on that site, there were threads upon threads of people just coming up with the inanest reasons for “why you got arrested” the other night. It was my favorite escape and to this day, I still come up with reasons you were arrested. Here are a few:

• For performing circumcisions in the back of your rusty A-Team van that you keep parked at Denny’s.
• Attempting to feed the homeless by regurgitating pizza into their mouths like a bird feeding its baby.
• Selling cotton candy to children at the county fair, but it’s really fiberglass insulation.
• Pretending to be a taxicab/Lyft/Uber driver that only caters to Alzheimer’s patients and running up their tabs to astronomical numbers.
• Stealing placentas from hospital biohazardous waste bins and spreading it on toast at a local IHOP, instead of strawberry jam.
• Impersonating a dead woman at a funeral by wearing her face like a mask, then jumping out and scaring the patrons during the viewing.
• Making “Afterbirth smoothies” at Jamba Juice.
• Streaking through a retirement community while blowing a conch shell in your attempt to summon the Kraken.
• Selling lattes at Starbucks but using your wife’s rancid breast milk that was pumped seven months ago that you found in the back of the fridge behind the expired cottage cheese.
• Making “pink tacos” out of reclaimed labiaplasty material and selling them as “hidden menu items” at Del Taco.
• Telling the students in the class that you’re substitute teaching in to greet their actual teacher, Fraulein Weissgerber, with “iss einen schwanz, Fraulein,” but claiming that it means “Good morning, Miss Weissgerber!”
• Selling grainy Polaroids of your wife’s hysterectomy exam to horny fifth graders during their recess.

So, what do you think I was arrested for?