Unwelcome Dental Advice

I just lost one of my best friends, Mike Adair, the other weekend. After a battle with Leukemia and subsequent immunocompromising from chemo, Mike suffered several lung infections and a stroke. His family took him off life support and he passed two hours later. In commemoration of our long-time friendship, I wanted to dig up an old post of mine from our MySpace days. It was one of his favorites and it was a post that almost got me kicked out of the military. In memory of my good friend Mike, I present to you: The Miserable People of the 552.

Are you tired of living your life being “happy?”

Are you sick of people seeing a smile on your face?

Do you wish that your life was more difficult and full of contempt for everyone else around you who is living their life to its fullest?

Then we have the answer for you!

Join the Miserable People of the 552^nd Air Control Wing and hate your life more than anything else on this forsaken planet!

Yes! The 552^nd Air Control Wing can offer you days, weeks, months, even YEARS of miserable service to your country without zero forgiveness on their part! So, what can you expect when you sign up for service with the 552?

• 12-hour shifts for two years with absolutely NO weekends or any other form of time off!
• Training the dumbest of the dumb and taking flak for their mistakes! Get demoted for other people’s fuck-ups!
• Deploy for every major holiday every year! Watch as your coworkers weasel their way out of going on the next Christmas rotation because “they’re in school” while you go abroad to beautiful locations like lovely Afghanistan or Iraq!
• Endure meaningless relationships with women who will cheat on you the instant you go TDY or deploy anywhere! Find out that the love child you thought was yours belongs to your wife’s concubine!
• Fulfill meaningless roles within the unit to appease higher powers! Give up that single hour you set aside to finally eat something on your 12-hour shift to babysit people from other specialties while they do work you’re wholly unqualified to pass judgment on! Then get in trouble for their mistakes! Win-Win!

These are just a few of the delightful ways to learn that life sucks a bag of smashed assholes while contemplating ritual suicide every night!

But don’t take our word for it! Just listen to these totally really and not at all fabricated testimonials from current and former airmen of the 552!

While working 12-hours shifts, my wife went into labor. I missed the birth of our second son, and my wife hates me for it. To top it off, our firstborn calls our gardener, Javier, “Dad.” Thanks for letting me be there for my wife and the children I’m pretty sure are part Hispanic, 552! You’re the best! – Airman First Class Adam Kensington

I deployed for five Christmases in a row. I haven’t seen my family in eight years. My father died while I was in Saudi Arabia, my uncle died while I was in Panama, and my husband left me for a chick with a dick that he met in Thailand. Now my kids have two daddies, and one of those daddies has better tits than me. Two big thumbs up, 552! – Technical Sergeant Amanda Higgens

I’ve gotten to be at home station for a grand total of 53 days this year because everyone in my shop is either sick or doing some form of college when it’s their turn in the deployment rotation. Every time I attempt to go to school, my shop chief tells me they need at least one airman to remain an idiot so they have fodder to take everyone else’s place in the rotation. Now the local nationals at the Prince Sultan Air Base, Saudi Arabia, chow hall know me by name and provide me with gum that has flavor crystals for the alcohol content because they feel bad for me. I think I’m going to chug five gallons of jet fuel before my next trip so that I go to the ER. Thanks, 552! – Senior Airman Jacob Tubbs

This is my third Christmas in a row deploying to Iraq. My wife sent me and the guys a care package with cookies and a VHS copy of Deer Hunter. When our shift was over, we had some cookies while popping in the movie. Two minutes into the movie, it changed from Robert DeNiro to a video of my wife getting fucked in the ass by my neighbor, Greg. After blowing his load in her ass, she squeezed it out into the cookie batter. Now my entire unit and I have oral Herpes. You’re the best, 552! – Staff Sergeant Todd Wiemer

What are you waiting for? March on down to your local Air Force recruitment office and demand to be a maintenance airman at Tinker Air Force Base in beautiful conservative Oklahoma and become one of the miserable people you’ve been pining to be your whole life!

This advertisement paid for by the Miserable People of the 552^nd Air Control Wing, Tinker Air Force Base, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

This one is for you, Mikey, my brother in arms, my old roommate, my first friend at Tinker, and my friend for life. Cheers.