Unwelcome Dental Advice

Carlos Santiago, 25, of West Bend, Wisconsin, was arrested this morning for several counts of “criminally stuffed piñatas” that were shipped out late last month. Santiago, now a former employee of Pico and Sons’ Piñatas, was reported to have stuffed several of the festive toys with what police deem “inappropriate materials.”

Jennifer Madigan, mother to 9 year old Katie, bought one of the aforementioned piñatas earlier this week.

“When Katie’s friend, Jared, swung his bat and cracked open the piñata’s belly, all the children screamed and squealed with delight. But their excitement quickly died down.” When Jennifer investigated the silence, she’d discovered the piñata was not filled with candy, but instead filled with used hypodermic needles and semen-filled condoms.

Said Jennifer, “Some of the children, unsure of what the condoms were, began to blow them up like balloons! My neighbor’s boy now has Chlamydia!”

The Reese family of Oconomowoc also purchased one of the ill-prepared piñatas, only to discover that when their son, Tommy, smashed the sculpture to bits, he was showered with a milky white substance instead of fun-size Snickers or Three Musketeers. Police later determined there were four Zip-Loc bags filled with month old horse semen locked away inside.

“We think Carlos got tired of his job and felt unappreciated,” said Police Chief Eric Bennethum. “He was probably sick of his masterpieces being smashed hopelessly beyond recognition by a bunch of snot-nosed rugrats who were only in it for the candy.”

Carlos, whose criminal record includes an arrest for defecating in a cut and serving it as chocolate flavored frozen custard at an area Culver’s, declined to make a statement in regard to other maliciously stuffed piñatas. Despite Carlos’s silence, authorities have discovered three more “foul piñatas” in areas surrounding West Bend: one contained cigarette butts and used chewing tobacco, another was filled with pornographic magazines with several pages stuck together, and the last simply contained a small noose and a log.

All piñatas from Pico and Sons’ have been recalled. Carlos Santiago is expected to be sentenced to four years in jail after six hours in West Bend’s dreaded “Chamber of Eye-Watering Flatulence.”