In the near future…

Washington DC – The celebration congratulating the new woefully underqualified Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was well under way. The tight-lipped Vice President Mike Pence, whose tie-breaking vote ushered in DeVos’s victory, gave his opening speech – at the request of Glorious, Magical, and All-Knowing Leader Trump – and called upon Mrs. DeVos to give a speech of her own. Instead, she broke into the song of her people, a yet unnamed song, which is sung to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s notable “The Sound of Silence.”

Hey White Privilege, my old friend

Time for public schools to end

Because my name is Betsy DeVos

Because I’m education’s head boss

And my vision of charter schools for white kids still remains

Hey, hey, hey

Within the sound of privilege

I admit I paid my way in

It was the only way I’d win

I am not even qualified

Though I’ll never admit to you I lied

“Destroy Public Schools,” is what I had cried

That split the vote

And sang the song of privilege

And with my Private Schools I can

Use my agenda to bring man

An advancement to God’s Kingdom

And my vouchers to not be dumb

People singing songs of charter schools for all

Drop the ball

Rejoice the sound of privilege

“Fools,” I said “You do not know”

Public schools are cancer, so…

The teachers’ unions are a plague

You don’t believe me? You’re all fags

In your pocketbook I’ll drive a wedge

Echoing the song of white privilege

And all the whites bowed and prayed

To the orange god they made

And democrats wailed out warnings

And locust clouds began forming

The sign said “The words of Darth Cheeto”

Are written on the bathroom walls

And Trump Tower halls

And whispered in the sounds of privilege

As the ballad to the supremacy of the Republican Party ended, DeVos’s ears began twitching.

“Montana is in trouble, oh Glorious Leader! Quick! To the Secretary of Education Cave!”

Across the US, Montana’s schools were under siege. The grizzly bear apocalypse Mrs. DeVos warned about was under way. Like piranhas converging on wounded fish in the Amazon, the bears poured forth from the wilderness in impossible numbers. The defenseless school children cried out as they were torn to shreds by the vicious bears’ teeth and claws. Screams of anguish filled the air.

“Suddenly,” recalls Judith Vessbergler, a 7^th grade social studies teacher, “We heard what sounded like propeller airplanes coming towards us. When I looked up, I saw hundreds of airplanes dotting the sky. Little Samantha Baker asked me, ‘Miss Vessbergler, are those angels?’ And I told her, ‘no, honey. They’re C-130 cargo planes!’”

The Air Force’s staple cargo planes dropped hundreds of crates filled with M16 assault rifles and even more ammunition crates. At least two dozen more AC-130 gunships stayed on site to fire more than 60,000 40mm cannon rounds, and 3,000 high explosive 105mm rounds from their on-board Howitzers.  Teachers and students alike took up arms to fight back the incursion. The bloody massacre only last two hours and seventeen minutes.

Only 37 students were killed, coincidentally all students “of color,” and 62 more injured.

Said Miss Vessbergler, “Every day, to the end of my days, I’ll thank God for sending us Betsy DeVos!”

In Other News:

Leading Democratic members of the Senate and House, to include Nancy Pelosi, are petitioning editors of the Oxford Dictionary to replace the current meaning of the slang term “faggot” (which is a derogatory term towards gay people) to mean “a GOP member who claims any news, or source of news, that does not reflect positively on their person or party is ‘fake.’”