Unwelcome Dental Advice

On Monday, April 6^th, a US cargo ship, the Alabama Maersk, carrying 4100 metric tons of Corn-Soya blend, was hijacked by the notorious Pirates of the Caribbean. The Alabama, formerly the Alva Maersk, was making its way to Mombasa, Kenya, when out of nowhere the mythical Black Pearl, led by the once-dreaded undead Captain Barbosa, closed in and began to fire upon it. The Alabama, with its security detail of a mere 18 men, was forced to halt progress and surrender to the merciless attacks. Before being boarded, however, Richard Phillips, the captain of the Alabama, was able to make a mayday call out to nearby US naval ships.

“It was so frightening!” exclaims one of the Alabama’s security detail. “One minute we’re sailing along, a mere 350 miles from Kenya, and the next we’re being chased by a galleon crewed by the undead!”

When asked by Captain Phillips why the Black Pearl attacked their ship, Captain Barbosa claimed the Alabama had been “flying its colors upside down” and that it was all just “a huge misunderstanding.” Despite this, Barbosa took it upon himself to bring Phillips aboard the Pearl as a prisoner while leaving a small detachment of his henchmen aboard the Alabama, until he could decide to abandon their piracy, or kill the crew and leave the ship dead in the water.

Within two hours of receiving their distress call, the Naval destroyer USS Bainbridge was dispatched and on scene. A SEAL team infiltrated the occupied Alabama and dismembered the undead captors, and dumping their still-flailing bodies overboard. Meanwhile, the Bainbridge attempted to hail the Black Pearl to negotiate the release of Captain Phillips. The Pearl’s radio silence indicated the Richard Phillips was already dead.

The Bainbridge Readies itself to open fire.

In retaliation, the Bainbridge opened fire on the Pearl with its 12.7 mm heavy machine guns and Mk 46 torpedoes. After the smoke cleared from the destroyer’s onslaught, two SH-60 Sea Hawk helicopters were sent in to eliminate any possible survivors. With the pirates vanquished, the Bainbridge escorted the Alabama and its remaining crew safely to Kenya.

“We’ll all miss Captain Phillips,” said second-in-command Ken Quinn. “Goddamn pirates! This isn’t even the Caribbean!”

This has been the fifteenth ship hijacked by pirates in that area since early March.