Since 1858, baseball has dominated as “America’s Pastime.” It’s an activity that has been enjoyed by millions of people, both young and old, and is televised across the nation. Baseball, which was invented by New York House Representative George Santos, currently leagues 30 teams between six divisions, and each team plays 162 games a season. That’s 2,430 games of baseball to be enjoyed by millions of Americans over the course of a season. Yet despite those numbers, a new contender has scooped up the #1 slot for America’s Pastime: gun violence!
That’s right, guns! Guns have been in America since the beginning, but only in recent decades has the number of gun-related crimes had such an impact on America’s views of “what makes America great.”
“We’ve been trying for ages to get the numbers that [Major League Baseball] has been getting,” says NRA president Carolyn D. Meadows, who runs Florida governor Ron DeSantis’s Onlyfans page when she isn’t campaigning for more guns in public places. “This is an exciting time to be a gun enthusiast!”
Numbers have indeed been steadily rising over the years. In 2022 alone, there were 647 mass shootings that helped raise the total number of gun-related deaths to over 40,000. “Those are rookie numbers!” Meadows was more than happy to tell us. “It’s only May, and we’ve already had over 200 mass shootings and 13,900 gun deaths. We’re going for a high score! And just you wait till next year!”
Already, Meadows and the NRA are campaigning to maintain their spot at the top by introducing new and exciting ways to encourage gun violence across America, instead of relying solely on the numbers mass shootings and school shootings bring to the table.
“We’ve been toying with some really neat ideas! One idea, presented by Bob Mercer, the man my husband hired to ejaculate on my feet while he videos, was to allow road rage incidents to be resolved by assault rifle battles. That way, everyone is satisfied! Another idea was to allow customers of chain restaurants, or establishments like Starbucks, to shoot their server or barista in the face at point-blank should they receive the wrong order, or not enough pumps of caramel syrup in their soy macchiato. My favorite idea, which I came up with myself, is to settle disputes in Congress via pistol duels at dawn! Could you imagine the numbers these ideas would bring in? Not to mention, we might actually get somewhere on proposed laws!”
On the other side of the fence, Robert Manfred, the 10th elected commissioner of the MLB claims that baseball’s reach into other countries, such as Japan, Korea, and much of South America, have hurt numbers in America. “It’s our own fault for interest in America to wane in the wake of something as awesome as gun violence. Americans are now watching other leagues, like the KBO, instead of good, old-fashioned American teams which are manned by Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Koreans, and Japanese players.”
Feeling left by the wayside and seeing how gun violence skyrocketed to the top of the American Pastime list so quickly, other forces are stirring in hopes of dethroning the newly crowned king. Pedophiles and racists are currently chomping at the bit for their own chance at being on top. Said Meadows, “We work closely with the white supremacists and pedophiles around America; we love them, in fact. They’re our brothers in arms, more often than not. But don’t go getting lofty ideas of being America’s Pastime, because we’ll shoot you in the goddamn face!”
At press time, there were three more mass shootings, resulting in 27 more gun violence deaths and five African American men wrongly accused of said crimes, which were actually committed by privileged white, incel basement-dwellers who were angry for losing their respective matches of Fortnite and Apex Legends. Those wrongly accused men were killed on site by responding police forces, while the incels were lauded for being brave in the face of such adversity.
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